slayers_desire | recovering from an ordeal

Clark can do little but be here for her, but be here he is indeed. And tries to lend her strength through the bond, just by him sitting at her side. "Us being in a hospital at the time probably didn't help."

"Dru... Dru was never stable love. Besides, she didn't have any support. You do." Spike pointed out. "The hunger might happen. But you are strong pet. You always have been."

"I wish there was someone who went through this, a vampire, that I could talk to." April sighed. Spike nodded, knowing that was something he couldn't change.

"I wish you could too." He's been helping search for someone she can relate to, another vampire with similar struggles, but even in the Nexus they're hard to come by.

"You have to make your path love." Spike touched her hand.

"I know. We are working on it. I just have moments of fear..."

"Welcome to parenthood." Spike laughed.

"Seems like we both get to have those fears and doubts sometimes." After all, he's had his moments too, wondering if he'll be a good dad, if he's ready for this, what happens if the kid inherits his abilities...

"The important thing kids is to talk about it. You got each other. Don't mess it up." Spike leaned over to hug his daughter. And then offered Clark his hand.

April breathed softly. They have made it past the first trimester. And she wonders, if there were fears and worries this far in... then what would happen later.

Clark's handshake is a firm one, glad that Spike is making the effort. "Feel free to drop by the farm sometime, if you get the chance. Or... well, we might be moving soon, but we'll let you know before that happens."

"I will do that. And once we know more about how to fix things here, we will want to see the kid." Spike offered back. He was still uneasy about inviting them to get involved with the mess that was their world.

He gave them one more nod, then left the room.

April shifted to lean up against Clark. "Are we okay?"

He shifts a little too, putting an arm around her so she can rest more comfortably. "Of course we are."

"Sorry I have held back some stuff." April whispers softly. She doesn't want him to feel responsible because of it. "All these emotions are just... confusing some times."

"It's okay, really. I think what you're feeling is perfectly natural. And while I always love to know how you're feeling and what you're thinking... being married to me doesn't mean you're not allowed to keep things to yourself if you don't want to share right now." As someone who took years to get over his natural instinct for solitude in the face of emotional distress, and still lapses into it sometimes, he really does understand.

"I am afraid of overwhelming you if I do share. These emotions are all just... uncontrolled."

"I think that's part of being a new parent. You'll get a handle on it. I do want to help, but if I'm just getting in the way and making things harder, I'm fine with stepping back for a while. I just want whatever's best for you and the baby to be happy and healthy."

"You are not getting in the way." April insisted softly.

April turns to him, and places her hands on his head again. She feels that this is an appropriate time to truly let go, and let him in. "Open your mind to me. See everything through my eyes."

"My mind is always open to you." Before he met her, before he knew her, he never thought he'd be so comfortable to have someone else know his thoughts, let alone so intimately. Now he wouldn't give it up for anything.

April opens up her mind to him, completely. Letting him feel all her emotions. The happiness... joy and love she had for her husband and unborn child. There was also sadness, a want to cry over little things. Like how the bed was uncomfortable and not her home bed.

There was grief. Sadness that Jonathan would never know his grandchild. That she doesn't get an opportunity to talk to Drusilla about it. Sadness that her child would never know these special people.

There was anger too. Anger at herself, for feeling such a spaz at times. For feeling like a damsel in distress. For not doing this sooner. For disappointing Clark.

And there was the hunger too. The demanding want of something more... just on the edge of her mind and senses.

And it is all mixed together. In one jumbled mess.

He half-closes his eyes as she pours her feelings into him, letting the full force of them in. It's a chaotic storm of feeling, and while he's sure at least some of the intensity and worries are because of hormones, a lot of what she's feeling is still very valid.

The feeling that concerns him most is not the hunger. It doesn't even rank near the top of the list. He's more worried about the anger. And most of it is directed at herself. "April..."

"Hmmm?" She looks up at him. Still allowing the bond to be open fully. So he can also sense that while all these feelings are there... she feels safe and content in his arms. And it does calm her a lot.

It's a lot easier to communicate like this sometimes, letting raw emotion speak for him. And so he offers up his own feelings.

Pride in her, for taking control of her own destiny, for embracing this chance to become a mother. For her determination to not be his damsel in distress. And pride in the both of them as a couple, taking this next step together to become parents.

Lingering fear over being replaced by his evil double, the fear that it might happen again. The fear of what could happen to her and the baby if Luthor decides to take his revenge on them. Serious fears about her safety, silly fears about what if she forgets to take her prenatal vitamins or what if the baby looks nothing like either of them.

He, too, holds a certain measure of grief and sadness, that Jonathan will never meet his grandchild, that the clone of Jor-El will never know that his line will continue. That the real Jor-El, and Lara, will never know what happened to him, or that he was loved so much.

And he's still a little angry at Spike for not staying in touch, for not telling them about all this, for inadvertently putting April in danger. And angry at Buffy for doing this in the first place, and running away from her responsibility. He's also angry and disappointed in himself, for not being able to keep his family safe.

But despite all this, there's also contentment, and joy. For the future, for their baby, for their marriage. And just simple moments like this, holding her in his arms, safe and sound.

"Oh..." April whispers after receiving all his emotions. Strangely, the sharing of her emotions and his puts her at peace a little more.

Then after a moment, she addresses some of the thoughts.

"We will make plans, in case that alternate comes back, so it won't be such a surprise. And I know Spike feels bad for his part in this... I sensed it off him. He won't do it again. As for Buffy... we can't control that. We have to let that go. And just try to help the others fix things."

"And... there are times I might get in danger. Just like I accept that is part of your destiny, I think... you have to understand it is part of mine too. But together, we keep each other safe. And together, nothing will harm this child."

((ball with son, back in an hour))

"I know. We can't do anything about it now... and I told the truth when I told your father I won't hold it against him. It'll take me a while to stop being upset about it though." The emotions are still kind of raw, and while he understands, his nerves need time to get the message. His anger at Buffy will take time to cool for similar reasons, although he doesn't have the benefit of totally understanding why she did what she did.

The last part is harder to accept, because he doesn't want her to be in danger. "You never wanted to be the woman I always have to rescue. I know it hurt a lot that I had to do that yesterday. And... I know you can handle yourself, but with the baby, everything's been thrown off balance." Both literally and metaphorically.

"Maybe I can give them some guidance before I leave. And I know he will take you up on your offer for help. They need it."

April gently stroked the bottom of his chin. "It is never easy for me to watch you leave the house, knowing you are about to go to work as the Blur. Especially now. I sometimes cry about it after you leave."

"But I understand that you can handle yourself."

"I know you are worried about the baby. But I did keep us both safe. I got us away from that alternate of yours. And when I was in trouble here, I made sure those vampires didn't touch me. The baby was always safe."

"You did," he has to agree. "And I knew that I could count on you to hang in there until help came. I had faith in you to be strong, because you are."

"I was still mad because of it. I was so taken by surprise." And that was a part of it. Her voices didn't warn her ahead of time. And she just had to act.

"Maybe you should work on shielding yourself when you PIN someplace else," he suggests, trying to come up with a practical way to make sure this never happens again. "Or keeping a psychic punch ready to swing if someone comes at you without warning."

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