slayers_desire | recovering from an ordeal

"My mind is always open to you." Before he met her, before he knew her, he never thought he'd be so comfortable to have someone else know his thoughts, let alone so intimately. Now he wouldn't give it up for anything.

April opens up her mind to him, completely. Letting him feel all her emotions. The happiness... joy and love she had for her husband and unborn child. There was also sadness, a want to cry over little things. Like how the bed was uncomfortable and not her home bed.

There was grief. Sadness that Jonathan would never know his grandchild. That she doesn't get an opportunity to talk to Drusilla about it. Sadness that her child would never know these special people.

There was anger too. Anger at herself, for feeling such a spaz at times. For feeling like a damsel in distress. For not doing this sooner. For disappointing Clark.

And there was the hunger too. The demanding want of something more... just on the edge of her mind and senses.

And it is all mixed together. In one jumbled mess.

He half-closes his eyes as she pours her feelings into him, letting the full force of them in. It's a chaotic storm of feeling, and while he's sure at least some of the intensity and worries are because of hormones, a lot of what she's feeling is still very valid.

The feeling that concerns him most is not the hunger. It doesn't even rank near the top of the list. He's more worried about the anger. And most of it is directed at herself. "April..."

"Hmmm?" She looks up at him. Still allowing the bond to be open fully. So he can also sense that while all these feelings are there... she feels safe and content in his arms. And it does calm her a lot.

It's a lot easier to communicate like this sometimes, letting raw emotion speak for him. And so he offers up his own feelings.

Pride in her, for taking control of her own destiny, for embracing this chance to become a mother. For her determination to not be his damsel in distress. And pride in the both of them as a couple, taking this next step together to become parents.

Lingering fear over being replaced by his evil double, the fear that it might happen again. The fear of what could happen to her and the baby if Luthor decides to take his revenge on them. Serious fears about her safety, silly fears about what if she forgets to take her prenatal vitamins or what if the baby looks nothing like either of them.

He, too, holds a certain measure of grief and sadness, that Jonathan will never meet his grandchild, that the clone of Jor-El will never know that his line will continue. That the real Jor-El, and Lara, will never know what happened to him, or that he was loved so much.

And he's still a little angry at Spike for not staying in touch, for not telling them about all this, for inadvertently putting April in danger. And angry at Buffy for doing this in the first place, and running away from her responsibility. He's also angry and disappointed in himself, for not being able to keep his family safe.

But despite all this, there's also contentment, and joy. For the future, for their baby, for their marriage. And just simple moments like this, holding her in his arms, safe and sound.

"Oh..." April whispers after receiving all his emotions. Strangely, the sharing of her emotions and his puts her at peace a little more.

Then after a moment, she addresses some of the thoughts.

"We will make plans, in case that alternate comes back, so it won't be such a surprise. And I know Spike feels bad for his part in this... I sensed it off him. He won't do it again. As for Buffy... we can't control that. We have to let that go. And just try to help the others fix things."

"And... there are times I might get in danger. Just like I accept that is part of your destiny, I think... you have to understand it is part of mine too. But together, we keep each other safe. And together, nothing will harm this child."

((ball with son, back in an hour))

"I know. We can't do anything about it now... and I told the truth when I told your father I won't hold it against him. It'll take me a while to stop being upset about it though." The emotions are still kind of raw, and while he understands, his nerves need time to get the message. His anger at Buffy will take time to cool for similar reasons, although he doesn't have the benefit of totally understanding why she did what she did.

The last part is harder to accept, because he doesn't want her to be in danger. "You never wanted to be the woman I always have to rescue. I know it hurt a lot that I had to do that yesterday. And... I know you can handle yourself, but with the baby, everything's been thrown off balance." Both literally and metaphorically.

"Maybe I can give them some guidance before I leave. And I know he will take you up on your offer for help. They need it."

April gently stroked the bottom of his chin. "It is never easy for me to watch you leave the house, knowing you are about to go to work as the Blur. Especially now. I sometimes cry about it after you leave."

"But I understand that you can handle yourself."

"I know you are worried about the baby. But I did keep us both safe. I got us away from that alternate of yours. And when I was in trouble here, I made sure those vampires didn't touch me. The baby was always safe."

"You did," he has to agree. "And I knew that I could count on you to hang in there until help came. I had faith in you to be strong, because you are."

"I was still mad because of it. I was so taken by surprise." And that was a part of it. Her voices didn't warn her ahead of time. And she just had to act.

"Maybe you should work on shielding yourself when you PIN someplace else," he suggests, trying to come up with a practical way to make sure this never happens again. "Or keeping a psychic punch ready to swing if someone comes at you without warning."

"Those are good ideas. He never assumed I could hurt him. His thoughts were so open to me, that when he thought about killing me... I knew I had to do something."

"Then when I found my Kryptonite stash... and it made me sick... I knew I needed help."

"If he comes back again... he probably won't try to pretend he's me for long. You should get the drop on him first. Your powers, or magic..." It feels bizarre to be plotting against an alternate of himself, but Luthor is dangerous. The other Victor made that clear.

"I won't hold back if he comes back. He never fooled me before. And he won't ever be able to pretend to be you."

"So... a Clark raised by a Luthor. Bizarre."

He nods. "I didn't have time to get many details... but the other Lionel did get me alone, when he thought I was his son. He found me in the cornfield before Mom and Dad did."

"What else did you learn?" They haven't talked about it yet.

"Um, well, he kind of has his own Victor. And they're... involved, I guess?" He has absolutely no idea how serious the relationship was, except that alt-Victor seemed extremely upset and betrayed that he'd left without her, and yet didn't seem to mind that Luthor slept with other people. "And apparently Tess is a Luthor herself."

The very idea of Clark Luthor with an AU Victor is so foreign to her that April doesn't even know how to respond. "There is an alternate of Victor?"

Then to the Tess reveal, she states. "Really? How is that... possible?"

"Yeah. She's... harder. Meaner. She actually wanted to hurt people and said she had before. And... she cleaned up after Luthor's victims. She didn't even seem to think that was anything out of the ordinary." It's so different from the Victor they know, the one who couldn't hurt someone unless they did something really awful, and then she'd only want to hurt their feelings.

He looks a little helpless as to explain. "I don't know. Maybe she was illegitimate, and that's why Lionel gave her up to the orphanage. Granny Goodness did say her parents were powerful people..."

"An alternate of Victor with an alternate of you." April breathes again. The bond is still open, so he will sense a little jealously... confused jealously. And will also hear her inner questioning... they still haven't ever seen an alternate of her. And what does this mean?

Or should it even mean anything...

"Maybe this is the secret Tess is keeping."

Clark isn't sure either. Maybe it means that she's unique, that only one of her could be so lucky. Or maybe they just haven't met any yet...

"I don't think she knew, before we went to St. Louise's. But why wouldn't she be afraid to tell us? Lex was... a terrible person. Lionel too, before he changed, and I was never entirely sure after." Sure, he was Jor-El's vessel, and more often than not extremely helpful, but he also once locked Clark in a kryptonite cage 'for his own protection.' "In the other world, I didn't get the feeling Lionel had kicked her out. Victor hated her though. The, uh, other me apparently sleeps with her too."

"He must get around. I sensed that our farm life was not his ideal." April states.

"It could possible she doesn't know. Tess could be missing this key too."

"Yeah, I got that feeling too. Lionel called me - him - a hedonist." And how very Luthor of him to encourage that.

"If she is, she deserves to know."

"He didn't try anything with me." And she is relieved at that. The only man she wants touching her, is her Clark.

"We will tell her. Carefully."

Clark is quite relieved by that. And at least she can easily tell the difference... things could have gone horribly wrong otherwise.

"There is one other thing... does the name Ultraman mean anything to you?"

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