The quiet can be disconcerting ((tag Clark))

[slayers_desire]

It has been a few hours since Clark took April home. In that time, she fed. She bathed. And she tried to lie down for a little bit.

But she can not close her eyes for long. She can not go into a deep slumber. The quiet in her mind is like a blank canvas. Plus, it just gives her more time to go over and over again everything that she experienced.

Slowly, she is remembering the others using her fears against her. The claustrophobia. The flames and the heat of the fire. The fear of losing her children.

"Clark?" He was checking on the children for her, when she got cleaned up.
But April knows that she doesn't have to call out loudly to get his attention.

Comments

[slayers_desire]

Gently, she pulls him closer to her, so she can place her arms around his waist. "Me too. The memories of what Maloker did are slowly starting to come back... and I hate that he made me attack my friends like that."

"That you had to take drastic measures to stop me."

"I never felt such... soul-crushing fear before. Being controlled like that."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"He knew we wouldn't want to hurt you. He was right."

[slayers_desire]

"I have had enemies try to control me before. But never like this. I just couldn't fight him. I wasn't..." She tears up, leaning in to bury her teary face against his stomach. "I wasn't strong enough."

"I can't imagine what would have happened if you all weren't strong enough to stop me."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"No, April... I don't think your strength was a factor. He had a back door, past your defenses completely. There was nothing you could've done." He hugs her, wishing he could take the pain away from her, the guilt and fear.

[slayers_desire]

"And that was the worse. There was nothing I could have done." She sighs into his hug. Into his support.

He knows her well enough that April doesn't like feeling helpless.

"I am going to have to live with him in my life, if I take my voices back. And it scares me that he could find a way to control me again."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"It scares me too," Clark admits. "Or if he somehow got to the children..."

[slayers_desire]

Her grasp against him tightens slightly. "If he ever used me to hurt them...."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

Clark closes his eyes. "I don't like the idea of putting him into that doll. But I don't know what else we can do."

[slayers_desire]

"We could ask Harry to lock the demontrap up somewhere it won't bother anyone."

April pauses for a moment. "But it would also mean giving up my voices."

"Am I still me... without them?"

[kalel_ofkrypton]

It's not an easy question to answer. "Am I me without my powers?"

[slayers_desire]

Definitely not an easy question, on either side of who is asking.

"A different kind of you. One I would still love regardless."

"I feel lost without them."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"I know how that feels." He's been without his powers more than once, sometimes for days. He knows that strange feeling of not-quite-wholeness, wondering if his identity is too entwined with his powers.

"At least we still have the bond..." Without it, he's sure they would both feel even more lost.

[slayers_desire]

She nods, eyes still wet. Even though her voices aren't there -- at least her empathic powers and their bond are still quite strong.

"Speaking of our bond... You thought about William as a name for a child?"

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"I know we haven't gotten to discuss it before..." Clark's slightly self-conscious about it, but he'd rather have something like that as a secret between them than something life-shattering.

[slayers_desire]

"No. We haven't. So what had you thinking about it?" She wonders why he is self-conscious about this topic.

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"It was the only thing I could think of that you didn't know about yet. I share everything with you... I figured the best secret to share would be one that even you didn't know."

[slayers_desire]

"You do..." April smiles, hugging him tightly. "It was definitely a surprise."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"So you don't mind?"

[slayers_desire]

"No. It is a beautiful idea." And a welcome distraction to think about adding to their family someday.

But thinking of their children brings her back to the situation at hand.

"We can't let Maloker into their lives Clark. They are innocent."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"I know. I keep thinking... what would happen if we did let Maloker into the doll, and one of the kids got ahold of it."

[slayers_desire]

"We would have to teach them about things they can touch. And can not. The doll would be like Kryptonite."

"In fact, it might be a little mean... but we could keep a few pieces of Kryptonite around the doll."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"Then I wouldn't be able to be around you either when you need to consult your voices..."

[slayers_desire]

"Mother didn't always have to have Miss Edith with her Clark. I won't have to carry around the doll." April chuckles softly.

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"I know, but... it feels like something to separate us." He's not sure if that sounds stupid, or insecure. But he's honest with his feelings.

[slayers_desire]

April moves up to her knees, so she can kiss along his jawline. "This won't separate us. Angel said it would only be temporary, until we can find a better solution. And we will find a better solution."