The quiet can be disconcerting ((tag Clark))

[slayers_desire]

It has been a few hours since Clark took April home. In that time, she fed. She bathed. And she tried to lie down for a little bit.

But she can not close her eyes for long. She can not go into a deep slumber. The quiet in her mind is like a blank canvas. Plus, it just gives her more time to go over and over again everything that she experienced.

Slowly, she is remembering the others using her fears against her. The claustrophobia. The flames and the heat of the fire. The fear of losing her children.

"Clark?" He was checking on the children for her, when she got cleaned up.
But April knows that she doesn't have to call out loudly to get his attention.

Comments

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"It scares me too," Clark admits. "Or if he somehow got to the children..."

[slayers_desire]

Her grasp against him tightens slightly. "If he ever used me to hurt them...."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

Clark closes his eyes. "I don't like the idea of putting him into that doll. But I don't know what else we can do."

[slayers_desire]

"We could ask Harry to lock the demontrap up somewhere it won't bother anyone."

April pauses for a moment. "But it would also mean giving up my voices."

"Am I still me... without them?"

[kalel_ofkrypton]

It's not an easy question to answer. "Am I me without my powers?"

[slayers_desire]

Definitely not an easy question, on either side of who is asking.

"A different kind of you. One I would still love regardless."

"I feel lost without them."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"I know how that feels." He's been without his powers more than once, sometimes for days. He knows that strange feeling of not-quite-wholeness, wondering if his identity is too entwined with his powers.

"At least we still have the bond..." Without it, he's sure they would both feel even more lost.

[slayers_desire]

She nods, eyes still wet. Even though her voices aren't there -- at least her empathic powers and their bond are still quite strong.

"Speaking of our bond... You thought about William as a name for a child?"

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"I know we haven't gotten to discuss it before..." Clark's slightly self-conscious about it, but he'd rather have something like that as a secret between them than something life-shattering.

[slayers_desire]

"No. We haven't. So what had you thinking about it?" She wonders why he is self-conscious about this topic.

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"It was the only thing I could think of that you didn't know about yet. I share everything with you... I figured the best secret to share would be one that even you didn't know."

[slayers_desire]

"You do..." April smiles, hugging him tightly. "It was definitely a surprise."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"So you don't mind?"

[slayers_desire]

"No. It is a beautiful idea." And a welcome distraction to think about adding to their family someday.

But thinking of their children brings her back to the situation at hand.

"We can't let Maloker into their lives Clark. They are innocent."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"I know. I keep thinking... what would happen if we did let Maloker into the doll, and one of the kids got ahold of it."

[slayers_desire]

"We would have to teach them about things they can touch. And can not. The doll would be like Kryptonite."

"In fact, it might be a little mean... but we could keep a few pieces of Kryptonite around the doll."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"Then I wouldn't be able to be around you either when you need to consult your voices..."

[slayers_desire]

"Mother didn't always have to have Miss Edith with her Clark. I won't have to carry around the doll." April chuckles softly.

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"I know, but... it feels like something to separate us." He's not sure if that sounds stupid, or insecure. But he's honest with his feelings.

[slayers_desire]

April moves up to her knees, so she can kiss along his jawline. "This won't separate us. Angel said it would only be temporary, until we can find a better solution. And we will find a better solution."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

Clark sighs a little, not sure how to articulate his fears about this. "It reminds me too much of your mother. I don't want you to look..." The word crazy goes unspoken, but he knows she'll hear it anyway.

[slayers_desire]

She does hear the unspoken word. And she fears it too, so much that she needs to embrace him tightly.

April knows the pain her father went through -- loving her mother. And she would never wish that upon Clark. And when she thinks about her children in that situation, it just brings the tears back.

"We will find a better solution. We have to." Her voice is broken. But determined.

[kalel_ofkrypton]

He hugs her just as tightly, unwilling to let go. "Don't suppose we could skip the middle step and go straight to the better one..."

[slayers_desire]

"Why not?" April would do anything to not turn into her mother.

"Harry has both the demontrap and the doll secured safely. Why can't we look at a better way?"

"The Fates must have told you something..."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

Clark thinks back to what happened in the bond, when he took Harry and Cipher Nine to bind the Fates. "Lachesis warned me not to burn the tree. She said 'it is the only thing that will bring us back.'"