The quiet can be disconcerting ((tag Clark))

[slayers_desire]

It has been a few hours since Clark took April home. In that time, she fed. She bathed. And she tried to lie down for a little bit.

But she can not close her eyes for long. She can not go into a deep slumber. The quiet in her mind is like a blank canvas. Plus, it just gives her more time to go over and over again everything that she experienced.

Slowly, she is remembering the others using her fears against her. The claustrophobia. The flames and the heat of the fire. The fear of losing her children.

"Clark?" He was checking on the children for her, when she got cleaned up.
But April knows that she doesn't have to call out loudly to get his attention.

Comments

[kalel_ofkrypton]

She certainly doesn't. In a moment, Clark is in the doorway. "April?"

[slayers_desire]

"I can't sleep." She moves to sit on the edge of the bed.

"It is like, everything is too quiet."

"So can we just talk. For a bit?"

[kalel_ofkrypton]

He sits down next to her. "Of course. What do you want to talk about?" He has an idea, from what he's been hearing over the bond.

[slayers_desire]

She nervously rubs both hands down her own arms, as if trying to reassure herself that here she is safe.

"I remember... being trapped. Ed trapping me in quicksand."

"And the fear of the fire. And the fear of losing our children. You had to use those fears against me."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

The memory twists in his heart like a knife. "I'm sorry we had to do that."

[slayers_desire]

"I had attacked you all." They have an agreement to take each other down, if either of them get uncontrolled. And she is more upset over the fact that Maloker controlled her like that, than anything else.

"I don't blame you." She reaches out to him. "But it just might be good, to talk about everything."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

He takes her hand in his. "It's been a long time since we've had to fight each other. I'd hoped we'd never have to again."

[slayers_desire]

Gently, she pulls him closer to her, so she can place her arms around his waist. "Me too. The memories of what Maloker did are slowly starting to come back... and I hate that he made me attack my friends like that."

"That you had to take drastic measures to stop me."

"I never felt such... soul-crushing fear before. Being controlled like that."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"He knew we wouldn't want to hurt you. He was right."

[slayers_desire]

"I have had enemies try to control me before. But never like this. I just couldn't fight him. I wasn't..." She tears up, leaning in to bury her teary face against his stomach. "I wasn't strong enough."

"I can't imagine what would have happened if you all weren't strong enough to stop me."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"No, April... I don't think your strength was a factor. He had a back door, past your defenses completely. There was nothing you could've done." He hugs her, wishing he could take the pain away from her, the guilt and fear.

[slayers_desire]

"And that was the worse. There was nothing I could have done." She sighs into his hug. Into his support.

He knows her well enough that April doesn't like feeling helpless.

"I am going to have to live with him in my life, if I take my voices back. And it scares me that he could find a way to control me again."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"It scares me too," Clark admits. "Or if he somehow got to the children..."

[slayers_desire]

Her grasp against him tightens slightly. "If he ever used me to hurt them...."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

Clark closes his eyes. "I don't like the idea of putting him into that doll. But I don't know what else we can do."

[slayers_desire]

"We could ask Harry to lock the demontrap up somewhere it won't bother anyone."

April pauses for a moment. "But it would also mean giving up my voices."

"Am I still me... without them?"

[kalel_ofkrypton]

It's not an easy question to answer. "Am I me without my powers?"

[slayers_desire]

Definitely not an easy question, on either side of who is asking.

"A different kind of you. One I would still love regardless."

"I feel lost without them."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"I know how that feels." He's been without his powers more than once, sometimes for days. He knows that strange feeling of not-quite-wholeness, wondering if his identity is too entwined with his powers.

"At least we still have the bond..." Without it, he's sure they would both feel even more lost.

[slayers_desire]

She nods, eyes still wet. Even though her voices aren't there -- at least her empathic powers and their bond are still quite strong.

"Speaking of our bond... You thought about William as a name for a child?"

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"I know we haven't gotten to discuss it before..." Clark's slightly self-conscious about it, but he'd rather have something like that as a secret between them than something life-shattering.

[slayers_desire]

"No. We haven't. So what had you thinking about it?" She wonders why he is self-conscious about this topic.

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"It was the only thing I could think of that you didn't know about yet. I share everything with you... I figured the best secret to share would be one that even you didn't know."

[slayers_desire]

"You do..." April smiles, hugging him tightly. "It was definitely a surprise."

[kalel_ofkrypton]

"So you don't mind?"